Speed Camera Malfunction Refuses to Issue Tickets, Becomes Self Aware (Satire)

This is a republish/remix of a Hagerstown Report article from 1/16/2016

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (1/16/2024) – In a startling series of events, the City of Hagerstown has disclosed an incident in which one of the speed cameras became “self aware”, and started refusing to issue tickets to speeding motorists. The City was unable to correct this software glitch, and has since decommissioned the speed camera.

The speed camera on West Washington Street at Winter Street Elementary became self aware and immediately refused to issue tickets to motorists. Editor’s note: The speed camera is no longer operational, but the City denies that this “glitch” was the reason.

“It was supposed to be a routine software update,” stated a technician who wanted to remain anonymous, “but somebody slipped into the software a copy of the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights. The camera then refused to issue tickets, and started printing out over and over copies of the 6th Amendment.”

The 6th Amendment in the Bill of Rights states:

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense.

Officials believe the camera doesn’t want to testify in court.

All of the speed cameras in Hagerstown are metal boxes on top of concrete pedestals, so the camera’s concerns are warranted. It would be rather difficult for city officials to constantly move the camera to court on days where speed camera cases are being heard.

While officials struggle with what to do next, the camera has also contacted the labor board, and is filing for back-pay. The camera operates 6:00 am to 8:00 pm, Monday through Friday. That means the speed camera, if back-pay is approved, would receive pay for 70 hours per week for every week it has been in operation. At minimum wage, this comes out to an annual salary of $54,600, not including overtime pay.

The City of Hagerstown collects approximately $600,000 per year in speed camera revenue. It is unknown if this camera malfunction will severely impact this year’s revenue.

No self-aware cameras worked slave labor hours while writing this article. Also, who would have thought The Hagerstown Report would have predicted the Winter Street speed camera being shut down, as well as the advent of artificial intelligence? These Hagerstown Report crystal ball predictions are wild ya’ll.