Opinion: Killing Satire, and Threats Thereof

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (9/12/2022) – On September 4, 2022, after 7 years of thriving satirical content, The Hagerstown Report was non-peacefully laid to rest due to violent threats from an angry local resident named Andrea who took issue with its ridicule of local residents for continuing to ignore warnings regarding underpass flooding, as well as additional mostly-non-violent threats from social media outlets and fact-checkers who fail to understand the definition of satire.

It was preceded in death by its half-brother FredCo Underground, and is survived by its parents The Babylon Bee and The Onion, and its distant cousin CNN, all of which publish fake news content so believable, people think it’s actually real. It is also survived by its more-serious brother, Radio Free Hub City, which has vowed to carry on the torch in its honor.

Following a time-honored tradition by great writers such as Benjamin Franklin or Jonathan Swift, The Hagerstown Report sought to shine light and humor on today’s dark and dreary news reporting. Among its accomplishments, its most well known is the convincing of half of the population of Hagerstown that the government purchased an alligator for geese population control in City Park. Other notable accomplishments include successfully including the alligator on Wikipedia for over a year, convincing a Frederick County Council member that a MAGA balloon release protest was being held outside the Frederick County administrative building, and accidentally overwhelming Hagerstown City Hall with over 30 phone calls in one day from people who don’t understand satire, and thought that the city was actually installing automated spike strips to work with the speed cameras.

Democracy died just a little this day, as The Hagerstown Report has been under attack by Fact Checkers for many years, because apparently the world is supposed to abandon all humor and satire, and face the cold dark reality of our current circumstances, whatever they may be. During the past two years, The Hagerstown Report’s satire has been a source of relief and light in a dark, cold world, and it shall be surely missed.

The Hagerstown Report will never be truly gone, as long as we keep it in our hearts, and occasionally tell tales of alligators in City Park.

To quote the great Ralph Waldo Emerson, “The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.”

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