HAGERSTOWN, MD News (12/26/2022) – Over a month after being attacked and issuing vague press releases with little details regarding the attack, the Washington County Government has found itself in hot water over documents published by the attacker responsible for the cybersecurity incident – the recent 3 to 2 vote banning new truck stops in Washington County was in fact so that an adult toy factory could be built in Williamsport instead of the truck stop.
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The attacker, calling themselves “Myl1ttl3pwny”, released details of the secret deal between Washington County Government and the adult toy factory “Dongs-by-the-foot” after the County refused to give in to his demands, including issuing a statement that the “Hagerstown alligator is in fact real”. After reviewing of the attacker’s manifesto, which was hastily written on a site called “Pastebin”, RFHC’s number one unbiased journalist Raquel Meadow has determined that the attacker is a right-wing conspiracy theorist alt-right racist white supremacist. While she would not specifically highlight exact quotes which led her to this conclusion, she then claimed that all of this was Trump’s fault, and that this should immediately be added to the ongoing January 6th investigation.
According to the leaked documents, groundbreaking for “Dongs-by-the-foot” will occur on February 30th, 2023. The factory will specialize in “massively large sex toys” and many of the factory’s items are based upon models originally created utilizing large farm animals, and will be completely automated providing no net job gain for the county. The factory will replace a proposed truck stop in Williamsport which would have brought significant employment and revenue to the county.
Only Washington County Tax Payers were screwed while writing this article. This article is satire.
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