Local Man Finds Sword in Hagerstown City Park Lake, Declares Himself Mayor (Satire)

Cover Photo: The ancient sword found in Hagerstown City Park, shaped like an alligator.

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (1/17/2023) – Today shortly following the announcement that Mayor Emily Keller will be stepping down to accept an appointment with Governor Wes Moore’s administration, a local resident stumbled upon an ancient sword in the lake of Hagerstown City Park. In accordance with the bylaws of the original 1813 Hagerstown charter, whoever finds this ancient sword becomes the next mayor.

The sword was described as a katana-type sword with a hilt and sheath resembling that of an alligator. Remarkably, for being lost for over 150 years, the sword is completely pristine with no blemishes or signs of corrosion.

“It was just laying there underwater at the edge of the lake near that broken rock sculpture,” said Ken Buckler, who found the sword, “so I guess that makes me Mayor of Hagerstown now.”

Although Buckler (who is also President of Radio Free Hub City) would normally not qualify to be mayor due to living outside of city limits, the 1813 charter is quite clear that whoever finds the sword becomes mayor, and does not specify any residency requirements. The charter also states that the holder of the sword becomes Mayor for life, and does not need to be re-elected.

“Obviously we’ll need to investigate further,” said a representative of the city, “but as of now we can find no basis to reject this legitimate claim to the title of Mayor.”

Buckler will become Mayor on February 1st, 2023.

Selecting leaders based upon mysterious swords in lakes or rocks might not seem like a good idea, but it might be better than our current system. This is a satire article, please do not call city hall.

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