A well-intentioned community effort to protect personal data at Liberty Trust Credit Union’s annual Shred Day spiraled into chaos yesterday, as Hagerstown residents shredded passports, birth certificates, and Social Security cards in a frenzy dubbed the “Great Document Destruction.” The result? Accidental deportations, a black-market ID forgery ring, and a city council debating whether shredders need warning labels like chainsaws.
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Held at Liberty Trust’s Hagerstown and Greencastle branches, the event promised to “secure your future” with free document shredding to combat identity theft. But organizers underestimated the paranoia-fueled zeal of locals. By noon, shredders roared like overworked lawnmowers, obliterating everything from utility bills to family heirlooms. One resident reportedly fed an entire wallet into the machine, muttering about hackers, only to realize their driver’s license and a cherished pet photo were gone. “I’m stateless now,” one lamented, allegedly en route to an unspecified Baltic nation. Even worse, the chaos escalated when overzealous volunteers, hyped on free coffee and donuts, began tossing entire file folders into the shredders. By 2 p.m., the Hagerstown branch looked like a confetti factory explosion, with residents diving into paper bins to salvage scraps of their legal existence. One person clutched a shredded corner of a marriage license, wailing that the government now considered them a ghost, destined for Canada because they “seemed polite.”
Authorities, unprepared for the crisis, called in ICE agents to verify identities, worsening the mess. Without documentation, 47 residents were flagged as “unverifiable” and bused to a Virginia processing center. The mayor, narrowly escaping deportation after shredding his own ID in some sort of symbolic anti-bureaucracy stunt, is now reportedly governing via Zoom from an undisclosed Arctic location. Meanwhile, the shredding fiasco birthed a black-market ID ring operating out of a Greencastle Waffle House. A figure known as “The Notary” peddles crudely Photoshopped passports with clipart watermarks and Comic Sans fonts, offering citizenship to Hagerstown, Narnia, or the Moon for $50. The bestseller? A “Shred Survivor” ID with a glittery badge for those who lost the most.
As Hagerstown grapples with its stateless population, residents question the cost of data security. Liberty Trust Credit Union plans a “Shred Redemption” event next month, but skepticism abounds. “Unless they’re handing out new Social Security numbers with the donuts,” one resident quipped, “I’m sticking to scissors.”
No actual deportations or black-market rings have been reported in connection with Hagerstown’s Shred Day. Yet. This is a satire article by Ken Buckler.
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