Montgomery County to Spend $12 Billion Annually to Transform Lake into World’s Largest Artificial Saltwater Crab Habitat (Satire)

In a bold and bewildering move, Montgomery County officials have unveiled an audacious plan to convert Little Seneca Lake into the world’s largest artificial saltwater lake, all to cultivate a thriving population of the elusive and entirely fictional Chesapeake Shimmercrab. The project, dubbed “Operation Salty Seneca,” aims to transform the 505-acre freshwater lake in Black Hill Regional Park into a briny paradise for the rainbow-refracting crustacean, a creature county officials insist “exists in the hearts and minds of visionary bureaucrats.”

The plan, announced at a sparsely attended press conference in a Rockville community center basement, involves purchasing gargantuan quantities of industrial-grade sea salt—enough to make the Dead Sea blush. County Executive Marc Elrich, sporting a captain’s hat for reasons unclear, declared, “This is Montgomery County’s chance to lead the world in shimmercrab innovation. Imagine the tourism! The crab-themed festivals! The TikTok reels of sparkling crustaceans scuttling under disco lights!”

Little Seneca Lake, a serene reservoir known for bass fishing and kayaking, will undergo a radical transformation. The county plans to dump 1.2 million metric tons of salt into the lake annually to achieve a salinity level rivaling the Great Salt Lake, which officials claim is “optimal for shimmercrab frolicking.” The Chesapeake Shimmercrab, described as a palm-sized creature with a crystalline shell that scatters sunlight into dazzling rainbows, was allegedly discovered in a county councilmember’s fever dream after a particularly intense crab cake dinner.

To maintain this salinity, the county will procure salt from a dubious supplier, Salty Solutions LLC, which operates out of a repurposed strip mall in Gaithersburg. The initial purchase order includes 50,000 truckloads of salt, to be delivered by a fleet of repurposed ice cream trucks playing a looping rendition of “Under the Sea.” Environmental engineers, when pressed, admitted that maintaining the lake’s salinity will require continuous salt infusions due to rainfall, runoff, and the lake’s pesky tendency to remain freshwater.

The financial toll of Operation Salty Seneca is nothing short of staggering. County officials estimate the project’s ongoing cost at a jaw-dropping $12 billion per year, a figure that has left taxpayers choking on their morning coffee. The breakdown includes:

• Salt Procurement: $8 billion annually for 1.2 million tons of premium sea salt, sourced exclusively from Salty Solutions LLC, which suspiciously shares an address with a councilmember’s cousin’s vape shop.
• Transport and Dumping: $2 billion for the ice cream truck fleet, fuel, and drivers who must be trained in “crab-friendly salt dispersal techniques.”
• Ecosystem Cleanup: $1.5 billion to mitigate the inevitable death of all freshwater fish, plants, and birds, which officials dismiss as “collateral damage for the greater shimmer.”
• Marketing and Festivals: $500 million for a “Shimmercrab Extravaganza,” featuring a 50-foot inflatable crab, a saltwater taffy stand, and a performance by a Jimmy Buffett cover band.

An anonymous Montgomery County finance employee informed us that “…this is more than the county’s entire budget for schools, roads, and public safety combined. I’m no marine biologist, but I’m pretty sure shimmercrabs aren’t real, and neither is our fiscal sanity if this goes through.”

Environmentalists are apoplectic, warning that salinizing Little Seneca Lake will obliterate its ecosystem, turning a biodiverse haven into a sterile brine pool. “The bass, the bluegill, the herons—they’ll all be gone,” said Dr. Emily Torres, a local ecologist. “And for what? A made-up crab that sounds like it belongs in a sci-fi B-movie?” County officials countered with a glossy pamphlet claiming the shimmercrabs will “attract eco-tourists who love sparkly things.”

Undeterred, county planners envision Little Seneca Lake as a global destination, surpassing the Great Barrier Reef and the Maldives in Instagram clout. They project 10 million annual visitors, each paying $50 to glimpse the shimmercrabs’ rainbow displays, though skeptics note that the crabs’ existence remains unverified outside a single MS Paint sketch submitted to the county council.

To fund the project, officials propose a “Shimmercrab Surcharge,” a 15% property tax hike, alongside a $10 “crab toll” for entering Black Hill Regional Park. “It’s an investment in our sparkly future,” the county representative insisted, ignoring hecklers chanting “No crabs, no tax!” outside the press conference.

As Montgomery County barrels toward this briny boondoggle, one thing is clear: Operation Salty Seneca will either make history as the world’s largest artificial saltwater lake or go down as the most expensive crab fantasy ever conceived. For now, taxpayers are left clutching their wallets, wondering if they’ll ever see a shimmercrab—or just a shimmering hole in their bank accounts.

Don’t worry, the only thing getting salty is the Montgomery County Government because they don’t want to give Montgonion press access. This is a satire article by Ken Buckler.

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