Monocacy County Seriff Arrests Black Rectangle from Epstein Files (Satire)

After an exhaustive investigation spanning multiple redacted PDFs and several cups of lukewarm coffee, deputies have finally taken into custody the notorious Black Rectangle — the shadowy figure that’s been photobombing nearly every page of the Epstein Files since day one.

Name: Unknown (goes by “Redaction Rectangle” on the streets)
Date of Birth: Unknown
Height: 8.5 x 11 inches (standard letter size, very sus)
Charges: Obstruction of Justice, Excessive Appearance in Public Documents, Aiding and Abetting Transparency Evasion, and Being Way Too Good at Covering Names

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The suspect was apprehended without incident after a dramatic standoff in which it refused to reveal what was underneath. Witnesses report it just sat there silently, being black and rectangular. Classic.

“We’ve been chasing this guy for weeks,” said a Seriff’s office representative. “Every time we thought we had a lead, it was just another 255-page entirely blacked-out document staring back at us. But justice is blind… and apparently rectangular.”

The Black Rectangle is currently being held in a maximally redacted cell pending trial. Bail denied — too much flight risk (it could literally cover anything and vanish).

If you have information on where this rectangle has been hiding sensitive info, contact the tip line. No rectangles will be discriminated against in this process… unless they’re black and suspiciously placed over powerful people’s names.

Please do not call anyone in authority about this article, you will only confuse them, and our government is confused enough. This is a satire article, and may not reflect the views of Radio Free Hub City or its sponsors.

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