FREDERICK, MD News (10/7/2022) – Sheriff Chuck Jenkins has formally challenged Democratic challenger Karl Bickel to a gentlemen’s duel to decide the outcome of the Sheriff’s race.
A recent poll conducted on Reddit indicates that Jenkins is down by 25 points in the general.
Jenkins released a statement through his 3rd mistress and Press Secretary, “The 2020 election was stolen, as my election will be. As your Constitutional Sheriff that enforced Red Flag Gun Confiscation and draconian anti-gun laws, I have to take matters into my own hands.”
Bickel decried the challenge, as a “last ditch effort to overcome my commanding lead in the General election.”
Bickel and Jenkins agreed to follow the Southern Rules of Dueling with a few changes:
- Masks will be required, as Sheriff Jenkins arrests anyone not wearing a mask.
- Alex Jones and Cenk Uygur will be the referees.
- Jenkins cannot “shoot” Referee Uygur, as he campaigned to do to all immigrants in 2007.
Both the Constitutional Sheriff and Peace Officer Association and Antifa sponsored the event.
Each party designated their second. Jenkins brought the Buffalo Shaman, while Bickel brought Russel Crowe as Zeus.
The Buffalo Shaman and Zeus started the duel by negotiating a gentlemen’s way of maintaining each party’s honor. When negotiations broke down, Buffalo Shaman howled at the moon and pulled out his hand drum set.
Annoyed at being late to the 7pm orgy, Zeus’ quick flick of the wrist made Comet Pizza appear on the outskirts of the dueling field. This distraction and the Buffalo Shaman’s Qanon zeal ended negotiations.
As a last second gambit, Sheriff Chuck Jenkins conjured up an Assistant Attorney General to lawyer his way out of the challenge he issued.
Straight from a costume party, the AAG donned green body paint and an oversized suit. The AAG retracted the Sheriff’s offer for a duel, with nonsensical screeching and grunting.
Not to be outdone, Bickel brought in his Third. Clutch, a rock band of local fame, appeared with his grandaddy’s trusty shotgun and said “Karl, won’t you wake up we got lawyers in the barn. Don’t worry, baby, I know what to do,”
Tim Sult chased off the AAG, leaving Bickel and Jenkins alone on the field.
Realizing the error of his ways, Jenkins attempted to bribe Bickel with promises of personal favors. All he asked for in return is for Bickel to stop saying mean things about him.
Bickel refused, but ended the duel so that the voters could decide the fate of the Sheriff’s race.
Please do not call anyone in authority about this article, you will only confuse them, and our government is confused enough. This is a satire article, and may not reflect the views of Radio Free Hub City or its sponsors.