Finally, a Dummy That Understands Gender? DOT Rolls Out New Female Crash Test Model

News that should be satire – the following is written about real events, but with a heavy dose of sarcasm and wit.

As if 2025 hasn’t been strange enough, the Department of Transportation has announced its new “only two sexes” female crash test dummy. In a groundbreaking announcement that is sure to shake up the automotive safety world, the U.S. Department of Transportation, under the stern guidance of Transportation Secretary Sean P. Duffy, has unveiled the design for the THOR-05F, a brand-new, advanced female crash test dummy. According to a recent press release from the department, this sophisticated piece of plastic and metal is a testament to the current administration’s unwavering commitment to protecting women, and, as the Secretary so eloquently put it, reinforcing the “biological fact” of two sexes. After years languishing in development hell, this state-of-the-art dummy is finally ready to grace the driver’s seat, promising a new era of vehicle safety for all.

“The Left doesn’t want to hear it, but the science is clear: there are only two sexes – male and female. That biological fact isn’t just a talking point – it’s an important safety consideration when designing cars,” said U.S. Transportation Secretary Sean P. Duffy. “After years of delays, our team has worked hard over the last eight months to finalize the details for this new, state of the art female crash test dummy. Under the leadership of President Trump, this Department will continue to put the safety of American families – including women – first.”

According to the DOT, for far too long, the automotive industry has been relying on the trusty, if somewhat outdated, Hybrid III dummy for crash testing. But fear not, for technological advancements have finally caught up to our understanding of human anatomy. The THOR-05F, a veritable marvel of engineering, is designed with a keen eye for the biological differences between male and female bodies, ensuring that crash tests will now reflect a more accurate picture of how women experience vehicular impacts. This is not just about adding another dummy to the lineup; it’s about addressing the troubling trend of women experiencing higher injury rates in certain crash scenarios. It’s about time, wouldn’t you agree?

Secretary Duffy, in his infinite wisdom, has articulated that this initiative aligns perfectly with the administration’s stance on biological truths. He assures the public that the THOR-05F isn’t just a talking point; it’s a critical safety consideration. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administrator, Jonathan Morrison, echoes this sentiment, emphasizing that understanding the unique ways women are impacted in crashes is paramount to reducing traffic fatalities. This is, as he pointed out, a long-overdue step toward a future where this new dummy is integrated into safety ratings and Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standards. One can only imagine the sheer relief washing over the nation, knowing that our cars will now be designed with a more nuanced understanding of female fragility.

The THOR-05F is not your average crash test subject. Outfitted with a staggering 150 sensors, this dummy is a technological powerhouse, capable of collecting three times the amount of injury data compared to its predecessors. Its increased durability, accuracy, and lifelike responses are expected to revolutionize how we assess vehicle safety. With the technical blueprints now finalized, dummy manufacturers can begin churning out these advanced specimens, and the automotive industry can commence the thrilling process of smashing them into vehicles. The administration proudly states this effort aligns with an Executive Order on “Restoring Biological Truth,” ensuring that the distinct differences between male and female bodies are meticulously captured in crash testing. We can all sleep soundly knowing our vehicles are being tested with such rigorous attention to biological accuracy. It is still unknown, however, if the THOR-05F will adopt the classic “I’m fine” response after each rigorous impact, a detail surely of immense interest to the public.

This new dummy is specifically engineered to assess brain, thorax, abdominal, pelvic, and lower leg injury risks for occupants of smaller female stature. By analyzing how seatbelts, airbags, and vehicle structures perform with female bodies, the THOR-05F aims to inform safer vehicle designs and regulations. The Department of Transportation plans to publish five documents detailing the specifications and technical information, after which the THOR-05F will be considered for use in critical testing programs. So, while we celebrate this leap forward in safety, remember that the THOR-05F is the culmination of years of dedicated effort, a shining beacon of progress in the ever-evolving landscape of automotive safety, and a clear indication that the administration is indeed putting the safety of American families first.

No comment was made regarding Thor being a traditionally male God in Norse mythology, and the potential that this could be classified as the first female crash dummy using a male name.

Article by Ken Buckler, based upon information from the U.S. Department of Transportation

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