Maryland Elections Board Declares Itself ‘Trusted Source’ – Promises To ‘Correct’ Any Results Showing Republicans Winning (Satire)

In a move that stunned exactly zero conservatives and thrilled every blue-haired cat lady in Montgomery County, the Maryland State Board of Elections has officially crowned itself the Sole Arbiter of Electoral Reality™ with the launch of its “Defenders of Democracy” misinformation portal.

The Board Administrator, wearing a cape stitched from 2020 mail-in envelopes, announced the initiative at a press conference held inside a fortified ballot-counting bunker (formerly a Chuck E. Cheese).

“We are the trusted source,” the board administrator declared, adjusting a glowing “FACT CHECKER” badge that inexplicably read “D” in the center. “If the numbers show a Republican victory, that’s not a result—that’s disinformation. And we will correct it.”

The ‘Correction’ Process, Leaked

Internal documents (obtained by dropping a flash drive into a box labeled “RECYCLING – DO NOT OPEN”) outline the board’s five-step plan for “restoring truth”:

• Detect Anomaly – Any precinct reporting >30% Republican votes triggers an automatic “ALERT: MATH ERROR.
• ”Deploy Snitch Squad – Citizens who signed up via the new 1-800-SNITCH4DEMS hotline are dispatched to “observe” counting.
• Activate Cure Protocol – Ballots with “suspicious” signatures (e.g., written in red pen) are “cured” by adding a blue checkmark and re-scanning at 3 a.m.
• Issue Correction – Updated totals released with footnote: “Adjusted for accuracy per Trusted Source guidelines.”
• Memory-Hole – Original results deleted. Anyone mentioning them is flagged as a “domestic misinformation vector.”

Simulations leaked from the board’s “Democracy Defense Simulator 9000” (a repurposed Dance Dance Revolution machine) predict the following for the 2026 gubernatorial race:

• 8:00 PM (Election Night): GOP candidate leads 52–48%.
• 8:05 PM: Portal flooded with 12,000 reports of “suspicious math.”
• 2:17 AM: “Pipe bursts” in Baltimore. Counting paused.
• 6:42 AM: Democrat wins 51–49%. Board tweets: “Democracy saved!”

To boost participation, the board unveiled a tiered rewards program:

• Bronze Snitch (10 reports): Free “I Mail-In Ballots” tote bag.
• Silver Snitch (50 reports): Priority lane at early voting (behind the 47 people voting from the same address).
• Gold Snitch (100+ reports): Personal tour of the Midnight Ballot Warehouse, plus a commemorative sharpie. (Unfortunately J.K. Rowling declined efforts to incorporate a Harry Potter themed prize)

The new “snitch portal” will be online this Friday.

This article may be flagged as “potential misinformation” by the Maryland State Board of Elections. A corrected version (100% Democrat victory) will be mailed to you in 6–8 weeks. This is a satire article by Ken Buckler.

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