Inaugural ‘Running of the Trains’ to Fill Hagerstown Streets with Whistles and Glitter (Satire)

This Saturday, July 12, South Potomac Street will transform into a vibrant racecourse as costumed participants dash past the Washington County Free Library at 10:00 AM in the inaugural Running of the Trains. The event invites locals to witness a unique blend of spirited competition and railroading nostalgia—with everything from ten-gallon hats to papier-mâché boilers on display—and offers free admission for all ages.

Competitors are encouraged to don their most imaginative train-themed attire. Local designer Maribel “Ember” Thompson has crafted dozens of outfits complete with faux smokestacks, functional headlamps, and confetti “coal” for dramatic effect. Prizes include a porcelain conductor’s lantern, a year’s supply of miniature train oil, and a commemorative brass bell—pending sponsorship—to reward the most authentic or over-the-top ensembles.

Hagerstown Police will oversee the route with traffic cones, safety vests, and the occasional crossing gate, though he cautions, “If you trip over a giant boiler, that’s on you.” A boxcar turned makeshift ambulance will house paramedics equipped with locomotive-themed stretchers for any minor injuries. Spectators should keep children and pets at least ten feet from the race path to avoid any unexpected “steam whistle” mishaps.

Fans lining the sidewalks are advised to bring folding chairs, earplugs to muffle the enthusiastic “choo-choos,” and fully charged phones to capture the mayhem—or to dial for assistance if a participant’s ash-pan bursts open. The Whistle Stop Café will be on hand selling “Rail-Block Lattes” and “Coal Car Cupcakes,” with all proceeds supporting next year’s Waltzing with Water Towers and the Parade of Pneumatic Tube Enthusiasts.

Organizers welcome creative interpretations of rail history—futuristic maglev runners and 1880s papier-mâché steamers alike—and encourage spectators to toss spare change into the “Station Master’s Hat” to help fund commemorative plaques marking the event’s centennial in 2125.

Lace up your running shoes—or sturdy work boots—and join the celebration this Saturday for a spectacle of whistles, glitter, and community spirit as Hagerstown’s South Potomac Street becomes an unforgettable locomotive gauntlet.

This is a completely satirical article. Please don’t call City Hall, you’ll only confuse them, and the government is confused enough already.

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