UK Bureaucrats Suggest Deleting Your Selfies and Emails to Save Water

Unlike most of our reporting, the following news story contains a large dose of sarcasm and wit, because the UK government deserves to be mercilessly mocked for such an idiotic suggestion. Viewer discretion is advised.

Well, congratulations, England! You’ve officially earned the title of “nationally significant disaster zone” as five regions wallow in drought and six more are baking under what the government calls “prolonged dry weather.” Apparently, you’ve just endured the driest six months since 1976, and despite a few measly raindrops last month, rivers and reservoirs are practically coughing up dust. Public water supplies? Strained. Navigational waterways? Forget about it. Welcome to the great British parch-fest of 2025. But don’t worry, the UK Government has a plan to fix it – by asking people to delete their old emails and photos. No, this isn’t a satire article, but it probably should be.

The National Drought Group—basically a who’s-who of weather nerds, government suits, water company execs, farmers, and eco-warriors—got together to pat themselves on the back for “discussing” this mess. They’re thrilled to report that Yorkshire Water’s hosepipe ban has led to a 10% drop in domestic water use, saving a whopping 80 million liters a day. That’s 32 Olympic-sized swimming pools—because apparently, we measure water in swimming pools now.

Farmers, meanwhile, are having a grand old time. Harvests are a mixed bag, with some crops failing so spectacularly that farmers are probably crying into their empty wallets. Livestock folks are dipping into winter feed early because the grass has decided to take a permanent holiday. Food production? Yeah, it needs water—who knew? The group’s big plan is to keep “coordinating communication” about water restrictions. Groundbreaking stuff.

The Met Office, ever the optimist, predicts more dry weather, with southern temperatures possibly hitting the mid-30s Celsius this week (around 90 something degrees Fahrenheit for those of us in the States). The northwest might get some rain, but don’t hold your breath—August’s second half is looking like more of the same sunny misery. Water companies are “heroically” throwing money at the problem to fix leaks, aiming for a 50% reduction in leaks by 2050. Because nothing says urgency like a 25-year plan.

The Environment Agency’s on the case, doing “compliance checks” and fast-tracking drought permits like it’s going out of style. They’re also sweet-talking farmers into using less water voluntarily—because nothing screams “team effort” like asking people to starve their crops.

And now, the pièce de résistance: the government’s genius water-saving tips for the public. Install rain butts, fix leaky toilets, reuse kitchen water on plants, skip lawn watering, turn off taps while brushing your teeth, take shorter showers—and, wait for it—delete old emails and photos. Yes, because those dusty selfies from 2018 are apparently guzzling water in data centers.

Let’s look at the impact on the planet by deleting emails, shall we? If every one of the UK’s 69.6 million souls heroically trashes 1,000 emails, they’ll save a whopping 69,600 liters of water. That’s right, folks—0.001 milliliters per email, because apparently, data centers are secretly draining rivers to keep your spam folder hydrated. Crunch the numbers, and you get a grand total of 69.6 cubic meters, enough to fill… what, a couple of hot tubs? Meanwhile, a single data center slurps up 360,000 liters a day, and the UK’s staring down a 5-billion-liter daily water deficit by 2055. But sure, deleting those cat memes is totally gonna save us. Compare that to a leaky toilet wasting 400 liters daily, and you’ll see this email purge is about as useful as a paper towel in a tsunami.

So by cleaning up their emails, UK residents would help address 0.0014% of the daily 5 billion-liter shortfall. Truly, the UK’s finest hour.

Article by Ken Buckler, based upon a press release by the UK Government

---