WASHINGTON, DC News (9/25/2022) – Today the Environmental Protection Agency announced that it’s perfectly acceptable for electric cars to spontaneously combust, as these emissions are considered “green energy” fires, and much less harmful to the environment than emissions from a gasoline car catching fire.
“We’ve had some people express concern about toxic fumes from burning electric car batteries, but the good news is these fumes are only harmful to humans, and not the rest of nature,” stated a senior EPA representative, “Rest assured, we believe the electric car manufacturers 100% in their test results.”
In other news, the Federal Communications Commission has announced its new partnership with electric car manufacturers, social media companies, and the FBI. In this new partnership, social media companies will forward information about community standard violations to the FBI and electric car manufacturers. Once sufficient violations have been accrued, electric car manufacturers will remotely disable the vehicles while the FBI is notified of the location of the offender. While it’s not illegal to violate the community standards of social media sites, the FBI will then visit the offender with helpful literature on extremist content on social media, and how we all need to do our part to make sure our neighbors know that the authorities are watching. Always.
United States citizens with concerns regarding this new process can submit complaints to the FCC, utilizing their new “citizen participation platform”, which is hosted in China.
This is totally not a Hagerstown Report article, and no electric cars self-combusted while writing it. At least we hope not. This article is satire.