Satire News That Is Totally Not The Hagerstown Report

Totally Not The Hagerstown Report Logo
Totally Not The Hagerstown Report Logo

This is seriously NOT The Hagerstown Report. This may be satire, and it may be from the same person who created The Hagerstown Report, but it’s totally NOT The Hagerstown Report. Honest as an alligator in Hagerstown City Park.


South High to Drop Rebels Team Name, Become Imperials (Satire)

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (1/31/2023) – Long known for their “Rebels” team name, the South Hagerstown High School is about to get a new team name, thanks to cancel culture.

Local Man Finds Sword in Hagerstown City Park Lake, Declares Himself Mayor (Satire)

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (1/17/2023) – Today shortly following the announcement that Mayor Emily Keller will be stepping down to accept an appointment with Governor Wes Moore’s administration, a local resident stumbled upon an ancient sword in the lake of Hagerstown City Park. In accordance with the bylaws of the original 1813 Hagerstown charter, whoever finds this ancient sword becomes the next mayor.


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Pink Dolphin Spotted in Hagerstown City Park: Is Pollution to Blame? (Satire)

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (1/13/2023) – Hagerstown residents were in for a surprise when a pink albino migratory lake dolphin was spotted swimming in the pond at Hagerstown City Park this past fall. The unusual sight caused quite a stir, with many locals flocking to the park to catch a glimpse of the rare creature.

Hagerstown Turkey Drop Doesn’t Go as Planned (Satire)

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (11/19/2022) – In what was supposed to be a day of celebration of the city’s new logo, where families received free turkeys thrown out of a helicopter over Hagerstown City Park, turned out to be a terrifying event for both the turkeys and the participants. In a hail of gobbles and feathers, some locals had to quickly flee the area when wild turkeys began chasing them through the park.

Satire: Remember When Turning Back Clocks, Also Change Blinker Fluid

On November 6 at 2 AM, clocks will be turned back an hour as we reach the end of Daylight Savings Time. Fire departments across the country typically take this event to remind people to check their smoke alarm batteries. Now, mechanics are also taking this opportunity to remind people of critical maintenance needed on vehicles: changing their blinker fluid.

Satire: President Biden Gets Lost During Visit to Hagerstown

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (10/6/2022) – On an unscheduled trip the day before his speech in his visit to Hagerstown about the economy, President Biden briefly became lost while travelling Washington County’s Ice Cream Trail. As a result, the Presidential limo is now sitting on cinder blocks on Prospect Street.

Satire: EPA Rules Emissions from Burning Electric Cars Safe for Environment

WASHINGTON, DC News (9/25/2022) – Today the Environmental Protection Agency announced that it’s perfectly acceptable for electric cars to spontaneously combust, as these emissions are considered “green energy” fires, and much less harmful to the environment than emissions from a gasoline car catching fire.

Opinion: Killing Satire, and Threats Thereof

HAGERSTOWN, MD News (9/12/2022) – On September 4, 2022, after 7 years of thriving satirical content, The Hagerstown Report was non-peacefully laid to rest due to violent threats from an angry local resident named Andrea who took issue with its ridicule of local residents for continuing to ignore warnings regarding underpass flooding, as well as additional mostly-non-violent threats from social media outlets and fact-checkers who fail to understand the definition of satire.

The Hagerstown Report is Dead.
Long Live The Hagerstown Report.

This is totally not the satire site you’re looking for. Move along.

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